When your child compares!

With parenting, it is normal to face scenarios where your child compares your caring and love. Typical statements you may hear are: You love him more than me. He is special. You give him more attention. This is not fair. He is your favourite child.

I get confused sometimes when this happens. This is caused by the personalizing and taking in things at a personal level. I never met anyone more sensitive and emotionally vulnerable than a young child. It is like walking on egg shells. You need to parent keeping in mind your child’s thoughts and emotions.

Why extra care and attention needs to be given here? It is because the child is forming the mental and emotional foundation for his future life. If that foundation was ignored and suppressed, the child’s future life would carry its side effects like self-doubt, anxiety, excessive worry, co-dependency and a lack of self-worth.

So if that is the case, what can you do when your child compares your parenting approach? Here are few steps.

First keep your dialogue and connection with your child open and regular. There would be situations like conflicts and misunderstandings. Don’t let that go ignored or suppressed. Discuss them. Talk them out. Have real conversations around them.

Second use your presence in these scenarios. No matter what happens, remain present with open heart, clear mind and patience attitude. There will be difficult moments like your child’s stubbornness, ignorance and not accepting your guidance and support. That’s ok. Just be there available and present. Your presence sends messages to your child like: I accept you. I understand you. I feel what you feel. It is ok. This will also pass. I am here with you and for you.

Third clarify the mental and emotional puzzle for your child. Your child is this context is confused, doesn’t know and emotionally vulnerable. Find out the missing pieces that you need to bring together. For example your child says: I am so left out. I come last in your list. I am not important to you anymore. I am alone and lonely. I feel sad and terrible. Here you get to clarify the puzzle by saying: It is ok. I understand what you are going through. I am sorry that you have to go through this. But are you sure it is about you? What about the other parts of this scenario like your brother’s health condition, our busy schedule with building our home and your dad’s struggle to find a job? Don’t you think those parts are also a part of the story? Look at the overall picture. You are not alone in this situation. We are all in this together. And this shall also pass.

Finally, it is interesting to go through such moments in your parenting experience. What is even better is to learn from them, reflect and transform.