Filling up your relationship cup

Yesterday a conversation with a stranger struck me. She complained about the change of a relationship with her family members. She doesn’t see them often like before. Then she said: everything changed when I stopped connecting. I didn’t like that attitude. So I stopped interacting. Then all the family connections fell apart.

This conversation indicates a dynamic of a relationship in a family setting. We got used to the idea of I visit you if you visit me. I call you if you call me. I interact with you if you interact with me. This is a transactional way of interacting. What about interacting with a person for the sake of interacting without expectation or neediness? Its like living in a world of me me me. What I see only. What the other person sees or experiences doesn’t matter.

Also the myth of feeling. Many people complain that the feeling just doesn’t exist. Its not worth it holding on to a relationship because the feeling doesn’t exist. Its like we are powerless to the feeling. The feeling controls us and dictates our decisions and actions. This way of thinking creates unnecessary drama and conflicts between people because we don’t understand how relationships work.

I like this concept from Gary Chapman’s book, the five love languages, where he talks a lot about the nature of relationships, why we interact the way we do, the problem of depending on feelings only and how we can understand each other’s languages. Most interestingly, looking at the relationship like a cup or a container that can’t be left or neglected.

The problem we see in society is laziness or too busy to take care of the relationship. A person says: I am not attracted to my spouse anymore. We are living with each other for more than 20 years and the feeling we had when we started life together just doesn’t exist. For this scenario, Gary’s findings explain its not the feeling but the action that generate the feeling. People being so laid back when it comes to relationships, and taking it for granted is what makes it dry and empty.

The following summarized tips that Gary mentioned can enrich your relationship. First is understand your love language and the other person’s language. If we don’t have that solid understanding and information, we would jump judging each other’s behaviour without understanding the big picture.

Second, rephrase your understanding towards the relationship as a whole. Its neither me or you. It is the relationship, its dynamics, its flow and its purpose and meaning. If we look at the relationship like how it is peceived in drama movies and series episodes, you would create unnecessary drama and conflicts. But reflecting on the relationship, talking about its values, refreshing its dynamics, you will see immediate changes.

Lastly, once you have the basic information about your relationship and your languages, next is to start taking small baby steps to enrich the relationship according to the other person’s language. It can be by being present, having an authentic conversation, giving a gift, writing a letter, doing an activity together or whatever actions that contribute to the other person’s language. This can be challenging at first but is possible and worth the effort when you see amazing transformation in your relationship.