How to spice up your relationship?

The most important relationship we have is the one with our spouses. We start adulthood life together. We share the living, the daily activities and chores. Even conflicts and difficult situations are included in that type of relationship.

The sad part I witness is people just give up on that relationship. Just because you have been living with your spouse for more than 20 years, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is dead, empty or not worth your attention and effort.

Actually the relationship is like a container that needs to be filled consistently to activate its liveliness and vibrancy. There are two approaches I like to use when looking at this intimate relationship. They are the togetherness and separatedness.

You may wonder. What is togetherness and separatedness in this context? Well these concepts I learned from Esther Perel who did extensive research and counselling in this arena. Togetherness is when you are with your spouse together, what activities are included in your daily routines together? It could include things like have meals together, having conversations about work, kids, holiday plans, tensions and stresses, going out for grocery shopping or hospital appointments. You can also think of many other daily activities you do with your spouse. The key here is to grasp those opportunities to spend time with your spouse. I know the type of life we are living now can really separate the spouses from each other especially if both are working full-time jobs. So utilizing those chances can reduce that gap and fill up that relationship cup you are sharing.

With regards to separatedness, it means when you are separate and away from your partner, either at work, going out with friends or doing your favourite hobbies, what you do and how do you perceive that? I know many people in the set-up I live in think you don’t have any right to be separate from your spouse and you have to always be together. I think that can’t be. There will definitely be situations and circumstances where both of you are separate. How will you both react? What individuality will you express in that realm? Will you just be sad, wining and complaining when you will sit with your spouse or you would rather create your own individual sense of yourself and make your own preferred routines? If you are not sure, they can be simple things like going to the beauty parlour to pamper yourself, meeting your neighbours and friends for coffee or tea, visiting your extended family members, or maybe indulge in your new project and complete tasks that are important to you.

You may wonder: How can the seperatedness contribute towards the flourishing of the relationship? Well it not only contributes but it also fills it up with sparks, new and interesting conversations and the longing and missing of both the spouses towards each other. You know when you are away, you get to experience your individual sense of self, your creativity and independence. Later on, you come back to the relationship and can’t wait to open up and share the interesting stories that happened the other day.

These are the basics to start filling up your relationship cup if it has been empty for some time. Unfortunately many just neglect this part because of the usual daily boring routines that the couple shares. Many say: It doesn’t matter. We have been living like this for long time. She knows me. I know her. And this is our life. Nothing special and nothing new. This is sad because the intimate relationship can contribute a lot towards your self fulfilment and happiness if you know how to look at it and activate it. It doesn’t matter how much time already passed. What matters is what you do today to spice it up and add flavour to it.